My daughter Esme's birth in 2005 was by unplanned and, in my opinion, unnecessary caesarean section for breech presentation. My labour had stopped progressing as a result of the very intense fear I felt in hospital. I was fully dilated and had felt the need to push very strongly at home. Resisting this was one of the worst things I have ever done, in terms of both the immediate physical sensation and the fact my daughter would probably have been born normally if I'd trusted and listened to my body.
Unfortunately my body started to "close the door" in response to the adrenaline surging through my veins as I was admitted, roughly examined and prepared for a section before I was even spoken to or acknowledged. I had always hoped to give birth at home, but was refused the medical support I needed because of the breech. I felt a failure after the caesarean, but actually my body had done a perfect job, protecting me against giving birth in a situation which I felt deeply unsafe - the hospital! After this experience, I had no doubt that any subsequent babies would be born as far away from a hospital as possible.
As soon as I became pregnant again I considered enlisting the services of an Independent Midwife. The NHS Supervisor of Midwives was extremely supportive of a Home Birth after Caesarean (HBAC), though I felt there was an undercurrent of "we'll wait and see". This wasn't for me: I'd wanted to trust that the NHS could support me as a guinea pig for breech birth and look where that got me! I found my wonderful Independent Midwife, Jo Watson, and felt ecstatic at the prospect of a one-to-one relationship where my ability to birth normally at home was never once questioned, and optimism and positivity ruled! We struggled to pay for this but it was a priceless gift to myself, my son and our family.
I started preparing for the birth early on. I practiced antenatal yoga from 13 weeks and spent time relaxing and meditating. From about 20 weeks I did hypnotherapy and visualisation for VBAC births and home birth, experiencing some very deep trance like states and profound emotional releases. My partner and midwife practiced "Creative Healing" massage on me which had some dramatic physical effects. Towards the end of my pregnancy I discovered Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) and had reflexology treatments. Throughout I was mindful of nutrition and followed the Gentle Birth Method diet and homoeopathic tissue salt programme.
I had a group of friends from La Leche League who were all due within 8 weeks of each other, and we formed a sisterly circle to help each other prepare, loosely based on the book Birthing from Within by Pam England. Three out of four of us were planning HBACs so there was quite a lot of anticipation of our births. We talked through our fears and made a "patchwork" poster of positive images which we shared with each other. This was undoubtedly one of the most useful things I did. I meditated on each phrase before the birth and during my labour the "right" statements kept coming to me as I needed them. I was the third of the group to give birth, and the knowledge that my sisters had done this so recently really kept me going.
I know that all this, and cultivating a positive mindset made an enormous difference to the experience I had carrying and birthing my little boy.
I had a feeling the baby would come in the week before the due date. I was watching the bulbs in the garden and I also thought that it would be ready when the daffodils opened.
Just over two weeks before my due date I started having mild regular twinges at lunchtime on a Thursday. I wasn't sure if it was happening but I was more bothered about getting the filling hose for the birth pool, replacing Joel's broken bike wheel, looking after Esme and cooking dinner than I was about giving any attention the sensations. We were having our chimney lined and a wood-burning stove fitted the next day and the house was in disarray. My nesting instinct had been in overdrive for weeks so it was difficult to know if I was any more frenetic than usual!
I half-felt things would get going when Esme was in bed, so I called Jo to let her know and just carried on, with the rushes still being mild and coming every 10 minutes or so. Jo arrived after Esme had gone to sleep, and was reassuringly relaxed about everything. She brought the TENS machine and suggested we inflate the pool in case I had a sleep and woke up in labour later. But the twinges slowed, and then stopped completely overnight. I was quite glad as in my mind I had envisaged labouring in front of a roaring fire like a primal woman!
About one week later on Saturday afternoon I had some more twinges. These started off fairly short and strong, quite close together. We had been joking about Joel having couvade syndrome (sympathetic pregnancy) throughout: he felt sick, had tummy pains developed cravings, gained weight, cultivated man boobs. This afternoon he decided to totally dismantle his record shelving, removing all hi-fi equipment and displacing many hundreds of vinyl LPs (and quite a few filing boxes of his "stuff"). He then decided it was a good time to paint (a great relaxing odour for labour..?!) the wall behind too. This uncharacteristic surge of nesting energy on his part told me this was definitely the real thing, despite his protestations it was just another false alarm! Plus, the first daffodil had opened that morning.
My "expansions" began for real just after I got our daughter Esme to bed at about 8.30pm. When I started timing them they were about 3 minutes apart - the false start the week before was not in vain! They were increasing in intensity and length but not frequency. I called Jo (who was at her birthday party - poor lady) to tell her I thought it was starting (again). She just said "I'll be on my way then!" Luckily she'd had a starter but missed out on her steak!
I cleaned the kitchen whilst I breathed through the rushes. By 10.45pm Jo had arrived. I put the TENS machine on. I was still moving about and just concentrating on breathing, and all was well. I listened to the hypno-birthing CD which was comfortingly familiar. At one point I actually got a bit anxious that things were slowing down (as had happened with Esme), even though in real-time they were speeding up. It was bizarre, my perception of the intensity of "birth energy" and time was completely warped, it was almost like it wasn't hurting enough!... when in fact it was all working perfectly. A gentle reminder that "relaxed" wass a useful place for labour, and where I needed to be, got me back on track.
I got into the birth pool at about 11.30pm and just meditated thinking about the lotus/daffodil(!) flower opening and other lovely images I'd been practising. My midwife said she could tell I when was transitioning as my rushes were flowing one into the other, but I had no idea. I carried on concentrating on taking things one breath at a time. Afterwards the midwife said I was really serene and calm, not at all the screaming banshee often described at this point!
I started to push at 1.55am. It took me an hour to get the baby out. What an incredible feeling, so powerful. There was no choice but to surrender. It took me a while to get used to the feeling and I was surprised at quite how much effort I had to put in to feel him descend. At one point I questioned whether he was actually coming as it didn't feel like I was getting anywhere. But I was far from disheartened and Jo was so gently encouraging, telling me how strong I am and how she was giving me her strength. Joel was on duty at the business end (and busy poking the fire too!). He saw our baby emerging from me as I felt the last few glorious kicks inside as he helped himself get out.
I believe Magnus did it his way - slowly and gently - and I'm really glad he did as I wasn't injured by him and I recovered really quickly. He is so calm and cool. I can't help but feel a large part of that is because he came into the world so gently.
I feel absolutely over the moon about Magnus' birth, so empowered and strong and really, really grateful. And I'm so proud of myself, I just want to shout to everyone that I DID IT!!! My sweet boy came into the world the way we desperately wanted him to - gently into the water and his Daddy-Midwife's waiting arms!
We owe a great debt of gratitude to our Midwife Jo who was absolutely amazing, but I also know the preparation I put in made a big difference to my experience.
After giving birth to Magnus I was on a high, buzzing with excitement and strength and a strong feeling of achievement. After a little time to reflect, my perspective has shifted considerably.
Birthing was something that was missing from me, and such a big goal after the caesarean. It's funny how something that was such a big deal has now just become absorbed into a general sense of wholeness, rightness that wasn't there before. When I think of myself now, there is no gaping hole in my perception and experience, where before I was a mother but hadn't given birth. I hoped giving birth would be healing, but I couldn't have anticipated just how natural this "redemption" would feel.
I keep replaying Magnus' birth over and over in my head, for all the right reasons. I don't think the joy of the moment he emerged will ever fade from memory. I'm not sure if I will have any more children, but I feel I could give birth over and over. Just to feel that intense sense of intoxicating power and strength. The "I did it" feeling has almost gone even now, so soon after, replaced by a sense of "so what?" It was normal, natural, the way it was meant to be. It was absolutely brilliant.
Giving birth means I can now complete the jigsaw of my life experience to date. This was so important for me, I no longer even think of the fact I was haunted by missing a really big piece. I'm so glad I followed my heart and chose a HBAC.
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